On Thursday we had our 20 week scan. There was all of the usual excitement and gender guessing beforehand, and near enough everyone predicted that our bump was a little girl, mainly due to this pregnancy being so different from Seb's.
I have never made a secret of wanting a little girl, i have always looked in the girls section of clothes shops and even have two beautiful vintage baby dresses at my parents house worn by me and my sister, waiting to be worn again. Its not that i don't like having a boy, i love it, the rough and tumble the funky bright clothes but i still yearn for a girl and i felt it would make our family complete, especially as this pregnancy has made me seriously think about how many children i want.
So there i was laid on the bed with the ice cold jelly on my stomach looking at my beautiful baby on screen(our sonographer this time was amazing and showed us everything from kidneys to eyes) when the sonographer said it looked like a little boy to her and proceeded to show us his bits. I felt a horrible wave of disappointment and sadness wash over me. Of course i was happy that we had a happy and healthy baby, after all that was the main reason for the scan but i couldn't shake off the sad feeling. When we got home i had a little cry over it. At the same time i felt guilt that i am so lucky and i shouldn't be feeling this way.
A little later i announced that we were having a boy on twitter, the congratulations came rolling in(thank you all again!) and several mums of 2 boys told me that they had felt disappointment at first but now love having 2 boys and telling me how much fun they are. These lovely women actually made me realise its ok to feel the way i was feeling and actually its pretty normal! It always seem to be a bit taboo to be dissapointed over the sex of your baby, but its a very real feeling and i think being honest about it has helped me.
Now that its sunk in i am actually pretty excited. My older brothers have 25 months between them and have always been very close. Its going to be so lovely watching two boys grow up together, causing mischief and running rings around me!
I would still love a little girl, its not gone away and in a few years we will try for another baby, in the meantime i have my beautiful boys and a gorgeous newborn niece to spoil rotten.