Tuesday, 19 April 2016

The Last One

When I fell pregnant with Barnaby we had decided number three would be our last child, however as I went through my pregnancy we found ourselves talking about the possibility of a baby number four in the future once the boys had grown a little. It wasn't a definite, more of a never say never.

Fast forward to me being laid in theatre, desperate to be reunited with my baby who had been taken for tests and being told that it would be too dangerous for me to have more children, that we should now consider some form of permanent contraception and me nodding along, my heart and head in special care with my newborn and not really taking in the enormity of what the consultant was saying. It slowly sank in over the next few days and it still is sinking in and I feel pretty raw to be honest.

Being told no more children has been a pretty huge blow to us both. When so many people struggle to have one child, i know that i am incredibly lucky to have carried and be mum to three healthy little boys and I will forever be grateful for that, they are amazing and are my everything but I still feel a huge hole in my heart knowing that there will be no more.
I love being a mum and like to think I am pretty good at it, i have always loved children and i grew up envisioning myself with a whole brood of children, Phil and I joked that if we won the lottery we would buy a huge house and fill it with children. We have so much love to give.  So I feel let down by my body and I feel weirdly guilty that I couldn't just give birth naturally instead of having c sections and then there would be no issues stopping our family from growing if we chose too.

Having three boys means that inevitably I have already had and will continue to have people, strangers ask about trying for a girl which then means I have to put on a happy jokey face and say "oooh no, this is our last, hahaha" or if I do know them, perhaps tell them the truth and face the sympathy. I have been that person making well meaning comments in the past and I know they mean no harm but already I wish people didn't ask.

As I write this I have Barnaby laid on my chest fast asleep in that totally relaxed way that only newborns do, i am listening to his little grunts and snuffles and i can smell that tiny baby smell, this stage lasts such a short time and I can't quite believe I won't be doing it again.

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