Friday, 18 November 2016

The Last Baby Blues

This week i have been feeling the last baby blues. Regular readers may remember that when Barney was born I was advised it would be too dangerous for me to carry another child both to myself and an unborn baby. I have very severe adhesions from my previous caesareans which cover my internal organs and led to me being in theatre for three hours. It left me feeling raw but I had a tiny baby to look after and love and I kind of pushed it to the back of my mind.

Baby feet, last baby blues

Seven months have passed since he was born and Barney is at the stage where his clothes are not those teeny tiny items of the first six months. He has long been out of his bouncy chair, his playmat and gym are no longer used as he simply rolls away and he has grown out of the bedside crib. I love seeing him thrive and develop but at the same time I wish I had just had a little bit more time to soak that tiny baby stage up. That it went a little more slowly.

At the weekend I decided it was time to go through the pile of too small baby clothes that had been gathering in what will be Barneys room. I had been putting it off for quite some time to be honest. I sorted through the piles of clothes, many of them worn by all three boys, the last baby blues hit and I cried. There won't be another baby to wear them, no tiny scrunched up newborn in the brilliant white sleepsuits or the little vests with farm animals on. It was more than getting rid of some clothes, it was saying goodbye to any future babies for our family.

We weren't actually sure if we would have any more children, i think i even blogged that it was most likely my last pregnancy.  I am only 32 so still relatively young by todays standards and we had discussed number 4 as a possibility.  You know the type of thing,  maybe in a few years time we might go for it..... If we had made the decision by ourselves it would feel a more natural end. I didn't realise how much it meant to me, I had just taken it for granted that if we decided to have one more that there would be no issues. But when someone else tells you that the risk is too high and the choice is taken away, well as the song says you don't know what you've got til it's gone.

I know that I am lucky. I have three healthy children, I fell pregnant pretty easily each time. People would kill to be as lucky as I have been. I am forever grateful for those beautiful boys of mine, they are my everything. But as we dropped off the two huge bags of tiny baby clothes at the charity shop I cried again and I know when we sell the crib I will feel so incredibly sad that this stage of our lives is over for good.

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